I think I am related to Donald Duck...

Seriously!  

So the skinny girl inside is starting to get louder than the fat girl holding her in.  I NEED to adapt a healthier lifestyle.  I NEED to eat for fuel and not to fill a void.  I NEED to work out and stretch my body because let's face it, I can. There are so many out there who would give anything to have a working, healthy body and here I am slowly destroying mine.  

I am on a mission.... I can feel it differently this time.  Like my brain FINALLY gets it.  I have to work for what I want and not just when I want to.  I AM going to be healthy and I am so sorry to my friends who are going to have to listen to me be all preachy for a little while until I get used to this new normal.  Don't worry, I annoy myself with it too.  ;)

So as part of this "finding myself" I am doing the 30 day shred and LOVE it.  I get it in the mail and am all "YAY" while running to the house from the mailbox....like I thought I was getting a prize.  I change into my oh so sexy new workout shorts, sports bra and tshirt.  I pop the bad boy into the dvd player and.....the freaking player isn't hooked to the tv.  GRRR!  Grabbed the portable player and got it all working.  Let us visualize here....teeeeny tiny player on the kids bookshelf with me parallel to the turned off tv.  The tv which looks like I giant mirror when turned off.  

I didn't notice the horrific implications of this as I set everything up.  I get the dvd going....I start doing jumping jacks.....bloop!  REALLY!?!?! Am I really that fat girl who has had two babies who can't do 1 freaking jumping jack without peeing?  ***runs to bathroom for a monster "I just had a baby" pad**** Back to business....  Ok, now this video is no freaking joke and in like 3 seconds I am sweating and hating her.  I figure that I am home alone so I will just lose the shirt (sports bra in place) and finish a little more comfortable.  Off goes the tshirt and I am back in business.  There are weights, and crunches and more jumping around and I just happen to glance at the tv for whatever reason and just about died laughing at the half naked woman jumping around my living room....

Then the rational part of my brain kicks in and I realize it is me.  ACK!  To top it all off?  From the side I am shaped like Donald Duck!  When the F did that happen?  My ass is all shelflike and my gut is all "are we pregnant still?"  AHHHH!  I am THAT girl!  

I am going to get healthier and I am mad at all of my friends out there who didn't tell me I am shaped like a Disney character.

It really is the little things....

It is the victory of scoring a Starbuck's instead of homemade coffee in the morning.


It is the smell of rain on hot pavement and watching little feet jump in the puddles.  

It is watching my rose bush get taller than me even though I have trimmed it back to stump size TWICE this summer.

It is leaving the Mickey Mouse Christmas decoration out all year because your kids think it is the best thing in the universe.  "Mickey mommy? Turn on?"  "YAY!"



It is going out to dinner with old friends and talking the evening away.

It is coming to the realization that I need to kick my own ass and get it in a healthier state.  It is finding the strength to do that all on my own because I am just ready for my skin to match the skinny girl stuck inside.

It is holding your daddy's hands while jumping all over the house in your favorite rain boots....not because you can't jump by yourself, but because your daddy is there to hold your hand.  It is knowing his hands will always be there, even when you can do things on your own. 



It is sitting at the table playing play dough with your two year old and having the time of your life.

It is going to bed knowing your family is all tucked in safe and sound.

It is watching your youngest learn how to nurture and love.  It is imagining what it will be like to see her with her own mini's someday.



It is stepping back every once in awhile and reassessing what is important so you can jump back into the daily grind with a new found enthusiasum.

"It" is figuring out what "it" is for yourself.
  

You retard!

Did you feel it?  Did you just throw up in your mouth a little?  Did your insides cringe?  Did you have to stop yourself from letting a tear slip down your cheek?  Did a picture of a beautiful, smart and fantastic little girl just flash through your head?  That is what happens every.single.time I hear that word used flippantly in society.  This is how I felt today when I heard one of my favorite actresses say it on air.  She didn't pause.  She didn't hesitate.  She didn't cringe....

Jennifer Aniston uses the R word

Why?  Why do the words nigger or fag make you cringe and gasp with surprise (Did they? They freaking well had better!) but the word retard make so many laugh?  Why is ok?  

I will tell you, it is because people with the medical diagnosis (yes, medical diagnosis and NOT just a random slang, made up word) of mental retardation cannot fight back.  They are considered an "easy target".  My daughter will not punch someone for using that word.  I might, but she won't.  You walk down the street and laugh at a friend and call them a n***er and you will get your ass kicked.  Cringe factor.  You call someone a f*g because they love someone of the same gender and you will get your ass kicked.  Cringe factor. You call your friend the r-word and Natalie is not going to come after you.  You are safe, it makes you feel bigger, better, stronger, smarter?  Where the hell is the cringe factor???!!!  Why don't more people feel it?  

This is a question I ask myself more often than I would like.  Why do I have to educate my children about the world AND educate the world about my child?  Do you have to do that?  Do you walk through a store and hear someone use your child's traits used synonymously with the word stupid?....I do. Cliff does. Alyssa does. My parents do. His parents do. Natalie's Aunts, Uncles, Great Aunts, Great Uncles, cousins and friends do.....and someday she will hear it.  She will hear it.  She.Will.Hear.it!  I will have to teach her how to live in a world that uses something that is physically part of who she is as a bad word.  I will have to teach her to be bigger, better, and stronger than the hurt that that word will cause.  In doing so, she will become smarter than those who use it


.....she already is.

Wordless Wednesday

Wait...who is teaching who here?

Didn't we just bring her home?  Wasn't she just a newborn and completely dependent on us for everything?   Weren't we just spending our days gazing at her and drinking in her newness?

She was so perfect in her imperfectness (still is btw).  


Wasn't it yesterday that she was 5 months old and this was the skill we worked on with everything we both had in us? 

Wasn't she just Alyssa's age?  (26 months for those not paying attention here)  I swear I just took this photo last week....sigh

Weren't we just dropping her off for her first day of preschool last year?  Tears of sadness, tears of joy, bursting with pride and crushed by the first taste of having to let go...
 In true Natalie fashion she did FANTASTIC at school right from the start.  Walked right in and claimed this next milestone as hers.


Three came and went in a whirlwind of school and tantrums.  Then came this summer.  My "baby" came back from whatever three year old crabby shack she was in.  The kisses...sigh  the "yuh yoo's"...double sigh.  She grew a TON!  She is potty training and talking and jumping and running and playing WITH people.  She grew up....what the heck?!   

Every once in awhile I just kind of catch the real Natalie.  Not attached to any memories or emotions but the Natalie that strangers see.  It is fleeting and usually at times that I am not expecting any kind of revelation at all.  This time it was walking hand in hand from the hair salon.  (more on that crock of fun in a minute)  I looked down and for that millisecond she was just a kid walking along.  A KID PEOPLE!  When did that happen?!  Ok, back to the haircut.  Those who know us know that Natalie has sensory issues with her head.  She HATES having her hair done which is why it is always just in one or two little pony tails.  Our friend's daughter Mary affectionately calls the do "Natalie hair" go ahead....aaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!  

FOCUS! 

So, like I was saying, she hates her head messed with so I have always just cut it at home in the bathtub.  No fuss, quick and done!  Well, after two of these cuts I decided that she needed a real one before school started.  I could sit here and write out all the super fun sensory details of THAT experience or I could just give you a little taste for yourself.....





 Note to self:  Next time take her with wet hair and threaten the lady within an inch of her life if she squirts that damn water bottle at my child.  Wouldn't think that would be a big deal.....live and learn.


That brings us to the first day of school this year.  Seriously!?!?!  When the heck did she get so old?  She hopped right out, put on her backpack and walked all the way to her classroom.  




Having been a teacher I already LOVE the first day of school.  I love the smells, the excitement of a year yet to happen, the anticipation of seeing friends and teachers....ahhh, I just love it all.  


Add in a daddy holding his little girl's hand as she walks to her classroom and it makes me freaking ovulate.  (oh yes, I said it, that just happened)


She went right in, pottied for me then went right to the morning work table and got to work on puzzles.  WITHOUT BEING TOLD!  The other children who are new to her room this year were running around and playing but MY big girl got right to work.  Maybe she isn't just like me.  hehe




She never ceases to amaze me.


Four years....I can hardly wrap my brain around the fact that she will be in kindergarten in a year.  She has changed sooo much since the first day of school last year and I can't WAIT to see how much she will shine this year.  

I look back to the day she was born.  To the fear and tears.  I remember thinking "life will never be the same"....I couldn't have been more right.  :) She was so what we needed and we didn't even know it.  She is teaching me how to parent, how to advocate, how to educate, how to accept things that are uncomfortable, how to see past someone's differences so that I can enjoy the person.  She is teaching me what it means to love unconditionally.  She is teaching me.....

Therapeutic Thursday

Find something good for your soul today.  Here is mine:

 

The definition of Craptastic...

This is a word that has worked it's way into my vocabulary ever since I heard my cousin say it.  I freaking LOVE this word. hahaha it fits everything.  I'll walk you through it..

CRAPtastic: Negative connotation, used to describe anything that sucks. haha (no, that is not what she said)

Today is shots day for the girls.  I HATE shots.  I hate deciding how to space them out.  I hate knowing the girls are going to have to get them when they look so excited and filled with hope that maybe this time the doctor's office won't suck.  I hate watching their little faces squish up in shocked agony as they get each one and I hate that they will feel craptastic for the rest of the day.  The girls did awesome considering.  Natalie is becoming such a big girl and is learning how to cope with things so much better.  I know she was horrified and completely sent over the sensory edge with those shots taking over her attention but she did it!  She hugged me, gave me a kiss (kids are the only ones who think to kiss the mommy during shots and I can't tell you how much I needed it)  Kisses and hugs and more hugs and my big girl was good to go!  Alyssa was a champ too.  I told her ahead of time that it would hurt but only for a minute and then it would be all done.  I told her to point to the spot I knew they would poke her and told her "ouch, but only for a minute"  My kids are super stars I tell ya and band aids are my best friend for Alyssa. (Natalie hates them as they just cause more of a sensory overload for her while on and while coming off)  "Stickers" I told her.  "Your legs get stickers because they did a good job today!"  Now you would think that she would be all "STICKERS!" and that would be all she would hear.  She was excited for them don't get me wrong, but what makes me laugh, in the midst of hiding my own tears after watching someone hurt my babies, was hearing Alyssa in the car all the way home.  Teary little voice "Good job legs...good job....stickers....insert kiss noise here.. good job legs..."  God I love these girls.

CrapTASTIC!: Positive connotation.  Useful to describe...well I will just give you today's example.  

Alyssa is about 95% potty trained at this point.  She only wears a diaper while sleeping but what makes it 95% is that she will only poo in the diaper.  She ASKS to go night night so I will put a diaper on her....really A?  So I decided that if she went while in bed...no biggie but if she asks?  HECK NO!  Today....after the horrific shots, she came home and pooped on the potty!!!!  Smiles and giggling "I pooped".  We laughed and called daddy and we she got m&m's .  It was the most glorious thing to happen after the craptastic shots.  When my life came to this point of happiness hinging on whether my kid poops on the potty I have no idea but here we are.  That my friends is crapTASTIC!  

No photos today...for obvious reasons.